


No one likes a Freak

by Fandoms_are_my_lifestyle



Category: Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms, Sherlock Holmes - Arthur Conan Doyle
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, Idiots in Love, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Insecure Sherlock, John Watson makes it all better, M/M, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Hatred, So much angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-17
Updated: 2015-03-17
Packaged: 2018-03-18 09:09:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,405
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3564125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fandoms_are_my_lifestyle/pseuds/Fandoms_are_my_lifestyle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"He knew he shouldn't have kissed John that night. If he didn't he wouldn't have ended up alone, in his room, crying, officially friendless.<br/>He was so, so stupid!!!<br/>Why in the world would he have done such a thing??"</p><p>Sherlock thinks he messed up big time. John Watson is there to make it all better. </p><p>Thought Fic, all in Sherlock's head = italics</p>
            </blockquote>





	No one likes a Freak

**Author's Note:**

> Hey y'all!  
> Second Sherlock Fic on this site... Yay!  
> This one's got a ton of angst, sorry.  
> I was thinking of doing a second part to this, from John's point of view.  
> Should I?
> 
> Warning: mentions of past drug use

_He knew he shouldn't have kissed John that night. If he didn't he wouldn't have ended up alone, in his room, crying, officially friendless._

_He was so, so stupid!!!_

_Why in the world would he have done such a thing??_

_He hadn't meant to. It had been a spur of the moment decision, made in the heat of the moment. If he had been thinking logically, he would never have done it._

_And now the only friend he'd ever had, the only man he's ever loved, was lost to him forever._

_And it was all his fault._

_How had it gone so horribly wrong? What had prompted him to do such a thing, to hope that his impossible feelings would be returned? It was against all logic to even think of such a thing. Between Johns' numerous girlfriends and constant reiteration of "I'm not gay", there was no hope at all for Sherlock._

_He was so stupid, so bloody stupid for doing that. What had come over him that had caused him to do such a thing?_

_"You're a freak, Holmes."_

_"Machine."_

_"Who would love a guy like him?"_

_"Freak."_

_" Freak!" _

_" **Freak!** " _

_They were right, he supposed. Who would love a mechanical freak like Sherlock Holmes? Not a man as perfect as John Watson, that was for sure._

_God, he was so bloody stupid! Wasn't he supposed to be the smart one? The one who always did everything right? What was it about John Hamish Watson that made him turn his back on all logic and do something as stupid, as illogical as falling in love with his completely heterosexual flatmate? Sherlock could still remember the look on John's face after Sherlock. He'd looked so... Blank. Surprised. Like he didn't have a clue what had just happened. The only thing that would have been worse was actual revulsion. At least John hadn't been repulsed by him; he'd only been shocked. Not repulsed. He hadn't seemed to think that Sherlock was even more of a freak, right?_

_But what was done was done. The question was, what was he going to do about it? He wasn't going to tell John how he felt. That wasn't even an option. John had made his outlook clear on that point; he wasn't interested._

_He supposed he could delete it, pretend as if it had never happened; but it had happened, and in reality Sherlock didn't want to forget about it. While it had happened, it had been amazing; it had only been afterwards that the horror of what he had done set in._

_His best bet was probably to just pretend it was an experiment. John would believe that, wouldn't he? After all, the freak wasn't supposed to have a heart. He was emotionless, a machine with a brain instead of a heart. He survived on cogs and wheels, only using emotions when absolutely necessary._

_Until him._

_Until John Watson, the man who reset his programming and crawled his way into the shriveled underused organ that was the heart of Sherlock Holmes. The man to have finally proven that yes, Sherlock Holmes did have a heart. And it belonged to John Hamish Watson, M.D._

_If only Sherlock could show it, how much John meant to him, how much it hurt Sherlock whenever he went out with one of his girlfriends or anyone who wasn't Sherlock._

_He wanted to be the one to love John, to sleep next to him at night and wake up next to home every morning._

_Oh, how could he have been so stupid?_

_A knock._

"Sherlock?"

_John. Knocking hesitantly, but determinedly. He wanted to let him down easy, "sorry I'm not interested like that but we can still be friends, right?"_

_He doesn't feel the same, he's ashamed. Surprised. He could never have imagined something like this.... Oh, where had he gone so wrong?_

"Sherlock... Please, can we talk? Please let me in."

_No._

_He is too close. Sherlock is too far over the edge right now. He wants a cigarette. He wants the sweet relief of cocaine. Anything to numb this sensation._

_John is still outside in the hall, waiting to be answered._

_Don't answer._

_He'll go away soon enough._

_They always do._

_In retrospect, John has stayed much longer than anyone has ever stayed before. Mummy, Daddy, Mycroft, Victor... They have all left when Sherlock had needed them most, but not John. John had stayed for him, no matter what it was that Sherlock needed._

_If only he would be able to give him what Sherlock really wanted... But it was impossible. John was uninterested and 100% straight._

_Wasn't he?_

"Sherlock..."

_Why won't he just go?_

"Go away."

_He hates how weak and tiny his voice sounds, how it cracks at the end of the word, revealing that the freak had been crying. Who knew he was capable of such a thing?_

_He gets off the bed, leans against the door. There is not much that can be deduced from just the breathing pattern of the army doctor; only that he is close, and standing against the door._ _Only a tiny wood panel separating them, and yet so much more._

_He heard John sigh._

"No."

_Why not? That's what they all do... Leave._

"I said go away, John."

_There. He could make it through a sentence without his voice cracking. Now to wait for the inevitable..._

"And I said no, Sherlock."

_Wait._

_What?_

"I'm not leaving until we talk about this."

_Sherlock says nothing, turning the words over in his head. Is it better to get it over with and have John leave as soon as possible? Or to wait, pretending that he hadn't heard and awaiting his doom?_

"Fine."

_He steps away from the door, his voice small and eyes probably red against his pale skin from crying. He is probably a sight to see, but at the moment he couldn't care less._

_The door creaks open and Sherlock holds his breath. He doesn't know what he is expecting, but it is nothing good._

"Sherlock..."

_John. He does not look repulsed at the sight of him, and that is a little comforting but not too much, for Sherlock knows that John is exceptional at hiding his emotions from Sherlock._

"John."

_His voice is not as steady as he would like it to be._

_Stupid freak, why did you mess this all up?_

"Sherlock... I need to know. What - what was that? Back there?"

_He is trying to let him down easy. If only there was an easy way to get over John Watson._

"A mistake, J-John, one that will no-not be repeated, I assure you."

_Great, now he's stuttering too._

_Stupid freak, pull yourself together!_

"But what if I wanted it too be repeated?"

_John's voice is small. He is afraid? Afraid of what? What is John Watson, army medic, possibly afraid of?_

"What?"

_Is it possible that Sherlock had heard him right? No. It wasn't possible. John Watson was not capable of such a thought. He was too good, too pure, too perfect for a man as scarred and broken as Sherlock Holmes._

_John flinches. It's not too noticeable, but he is Sherlock Holmes and he notices everything. He is wary, hands shaking slightly from the old bullet wound._

"Don't make me repeat myself, Sherlock."

_Confused._

_What is going on? John couldn't possibly like Sherlock like that. It just wasn't possible. It was almost unthinkable. A man as perfect and whole as John Watson should want nothing to do with a man like Sherlock Holmes. He should have left in the beginning..._

_But that makes this that much harder, to say goodbye now._

"John, I understand. You wish to befriend the freak, to see what lies beneath, and guess what? You have. I'm sorry if I don't live up to expectations. Because surprise! The freak has feelings, and one wishes to exploit such-"

"Sherlock, what the bloody hell are you talking about?"

_John looks so taken aback, as if he has no idea what Sherlock is talking about. But that's not possible, for Sherlock is being absolutely clear; no one likes the freak, it's impossible. He is unlikeable, he is hateful, he is a freak-_

_And then there are lips on his and John is kissing him John is kissing him John is kissing him and his mind is finally, finally quiet._

"Do you see now, you daft genius?"

_ Yes. _


End file.
